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I walked into a Trader Joe’s market on 3^rd Street in San Rafael, California this morning hoping to use the last of my money to buy a cheap baguette they sell for $1.69. Unfortunately, in these tough economic times I typically find myself scrounging for pennies late in the month, and supplementing my diet in ways I would rather not, but as finances insist, I am eating a bit more bread during this last week due to the fact that it is inexpensive fare.

What is remarkable is that the customer service personnel -- regrettably on this morning a jackass named Tony -- refused to take my pennies as payment for the bread.

Now, I had specifically chosen to approach the customer service counter in an effort to alleviate any congestion at the register, and since it was obvious that Tony -- displaying a vacuous expression and lethargic posture -- had absolutely nothing better to do, I assumed this would be the most considerate way to complete the transaction.

Little did I know that the balding, dumpling of a character I was about to engage would treat me like some kind of second class citizen simply on the basis of the denomination of my money.

It being just after 8 a.m. in the morning, all of the banks were still closed. So, I first asked Tony if he possibly had any empty penny rolls that I could use to put some pennies in. He said no, he didn’t. I then asked if he would take the loose pennies. To which he replied “I have a lot of pennies, I don’t need any more pennies.”

This, of course sounded rather dubious to me. I wouldn’t turn down money of any denomination. In fact I have often wished I was wealthy just so that I could organize a contest or raffle where the prize was $1,000,000 in pennies. You know, just to make it interesting.

I mean, what would that winner’s average day be like if, as a stipulation to accepting the prize, he or she was required to spend the actual pennies on purchases? Just toting that much weight around would be comical, especially depending on what the purchase was.

Prize winner: “I’ll take the silver Maserati”

Unsuspecting salesman: “A fabulous choice, sir! Cash, you say?”

I know, it’s a pretty juvenile dream, but hell, I have been refused various purchases simply because I was attempting to pay with pennies. Typically by merchants who were clearly disreputable in that they spoke very little English while showing an obvious contempt for Americans.

The problem is that the experience I had this morning was at a national grocery store chain portraying an all-American image and family atmosphere. It did not appear to be some dirty corner liquor store or greasy hole in the wall…imagine my surprise. Thus this experience at Trader Joe’s reconfirms my ardent belief that one cannot judge a book by its cover. So many people state this fact but rarely believe it.

Trader Joe’s has now proven themselves to be about as American as a burqa, and about as familial as a nest of black widows.

I asked Tony “are you serious, you won’t take my pennies?” Again Tony said he would not.

At this point I am genuinely considering the possibility that I have walked into a Trader Joe’s for the last time in my life. And since I am typically contemplative and sober in relating my chagrin to others, I simply said “you’ve got to be kidding me” and proceeded to leave.

As I reached the door, I convinced myself that there must have been some misunderstanding (still obviously in denial) and turned back to Tony saying “you do understand that I want to purchase something, right?”

“Yes” he replied.

“And you still wont take my money? I mean for goodness sakes it is only a $1.69 in pennies.”

Again he said “no, sorry, I have enough pennies. I don’t need anymore.”

So I asked him “what if I were to put them in rolls, would you still refuse to take them?”

To which he balked for a moment, and then, apparently deciding that this may be crossing the line into utterly ridiculous absurdity -- thereby exposing his “jackassness” -- replied “yeah, but you would have to put your name and address on them.”

Well, this was the last straw for me. I walked away vowing I would never in my life patronize another Trader Joe’s store. And I can assure anyone reading this, that vow is permanent.

Truly, in an economy like this, what purveyor would be so callous and pompously pedantic as to treat a patron this way simply because their money was in pennies? Pennies are legitimate currency and they spend just like any other coin in this nation.

Moreover, who in their right mind would risk, not only the primary sale, but future sales, merely for the denial of such a benign and ubiquitous form of compensation? What moron -- other than haters who only have themselves to answer for -- would so soil their place of employment in such a respect? Tony certainly could not have been mistaken for an owner of the store.

Furthermore, while I may be a long haired, dirty, blue-eyed rocker who is financially hanging from the bottom rung, I expect people to forgo any personal aversion they have to my appearance and treat me with respect. I am certain that Tony would have graciously accepted the pennies from his version of a “hot chick” or a cute child, or even a disabled person.

Not to disparage my image, though. I actually get a significant number of gushing comments from women complimenting my “glowing”, “healthy” looks. Moreover, it could very well be that Tony just despises other men who are over forty and, unlike him, still have all of their hair, a lithe athletic body, and face of a youth.

The most irritating part of this disparity, however, is the fact that I spend countless hours researching, and writing articles on, the nearly immeasurable levels of political, economic, legislative and social inequities haranguing so many millions of people in this nation. And I do so at my own expense and without complaint, nor compensation whatsoever, but for the satisfaction I get from being the very best, and truest American I can possibly be; fighting for the rights of all citizens to be free in a nation which respects above all, equal opportunity, as the founding fathers intended.

I also thanklessly spend countless hours, and great expense, drafting, filing and serving legal arguments and opinions, articulating disparities in courts, and waging marathon battles of attrition against state and local governments who are intent on denigrating the people and perverting the rule of law in this nation in blatant violation of both the Bill of Rights and Constitution I cherish.

And for what? To preserve, intact, this nation’s auspicious heritage so that people like Tony can be assured the opportunity to live and work in a free market economy sustained by the inherent competition I daily fight to protect…and which he appears to have absolutely no respect for.

Though I hold no personal malice in reserve for Tony, or even the obviously inept training and hiring/retention practices of Trader Joes stores, I do certainly hope that there still exists enough competition in these fractured and ailing markets to either persuade Tony and Trader Joe’s to change their behavior, or affect their bottom line to a degree that they are forced to see the light at the end of an unemployment tunnel.

While Trader Joe’s has never been my first choice in places to patronize, I now have fallen in love all over again with what has long been my favorite grocery store. I will refrain from identifying it by name, so as to avoid any impression that this article is an attempt to do anything but expose the inhospitable policies of Trader Joe’s. My intention is not to promote another in comparison.

Suffice it to say that at this favorite establishment I was greeted with pleasance and respect, and succinctly advised that “no, we don’t have any penny rolls, but we will be happy to take any pennies that you have. We would never refuse to do so, that would be rude. If that is all you have then we have to take them, we just need to count them.”

An available cashier even opened an empty register so as to avoid delaying other customers. Plus, my favorite bread was on sale, ch-ching!! I was so happy to have been treated with such culture and decorum that I actually got a little misty thinking about it on the way to my car.

Choice is the precursor to a guarantee of fidelity. May the citizens of this magnificent nation never truly lose sight of just what it is we are fighting for. America is the greatest place on Earth, but only because of the indefatigable respect for the sovereign individual this Constitutional Republic -- with its inalienable right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness for all -- inexplicably engenders.

Today, even more than usual, I am proud to be an American!